Spousal Mental and Financial Abuse Awareness

Are you considering marrying someone who earns less than you? Or maybe you’re already with a partner who makes less and has no problem abusing you over money, tells you how much you can spend, and so on? If you’re heading toward divorce while being the “higher earner,” get ready—your going to end up responsible for your spouse’s career choices, thanks to our lovely system. Marriage is seen as a “financially supportive relationship,” so if you’re dealing with an abuser or someone who just can’t seem to get it together, don’t take it lightly. It might be funny to joke at their lack of motivation, skills, and what not, but the harsh reality is you’re going to end up paying for them on-going. No responsibility nor accountability needed on the lower earner, they just reap the benefits of what can be taken from you. Want to hear more about what will happen to you? Read on to hear about my experience..

As life goes, relationships sometimes hit their expiration date. One such relationship of mine ended after about five years. The reason? I worked too much, my focus was on my career, and she wanted to experience college life. It was a sad but seemingly normal ending. Life moves on, and we try to become better versions of ourselves. My big takeaway? Be more open to new experiences, embrace flexibility—sounds simple enough, right?

Fast forward, and I meet someone new through a friend. She was in college, working retail part-time, while I was already well into my full-time career. Before I knew it, she moved in right after finishing college. Sure, people said things like, “That was fast!” but hey, I was trying to be open and flexible, wasn’t I?

Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back, there were more red flags than a clearance sale. But I missed them and ended up marrying someone who used me for my money and wasted 13+ years of my life. Through this site, I’m going to take you through my experience of being left financially responsible for my mentally and financially abusive spouse's actions—and how, if you find yourself in the same situation, it will happen to you too.

In the end, when I finally cut off her access to my income, she filed for divorce just two weeks later. From there, I was left responsible for her career choices and legally forced to hand over money and assets to someone who never earned them. Let’s not forget the ongoing 'child support' payments or the sickening 'alimony'—because apparently, choosing a low-paying job entitles you to a paycheck from someone else’s hard work.

I reside in Florida and this is my story. If it happened to me, it can—and will—happen to you and those you love. At the end of the day, marriage comes down to one thing: money. Protect yourself, or be prepared to watch everything you’ve earned handed over to a low-life thief who would rather leech off you than take responsibility for themselves.

To Be Clear

There are all kinds of marriages out there, and sure, the content on this site may not apply to every situation. Divorce rates may be sky-high, but that doesn’t mean it’s a guaranteed disaster for everyone. But here’s what this site does cover: the financial train wreck that happens when one spouse deliberately decides not to keep pace. Legally, this is called the “lower earner.” In reality, it’s the spouse who refuses to do better, kicks back, and just keeps reaping the benefits of the “higher earner.” Then, when the marriage finally dies, they’re rewarded with years of free access to your hard-earned money, thanks to the courts and their twisted, outdated views on marriage.

I, and like countless others in the same situation are being punished for an idea—an assumption of gender based roles by the court on how a marriage should be rather than anything factual. My reality? I was stuck with a “lower earner” who thought working the minimal was more than enough. Ambition? None. I accepted it, but never in a million years did I think that her lack of effort could actually be used against me. To make it worse, she wasn’t just a lazy partner—she was a narcissist who financially and mentally abused me. Her wishlist was endless, but her willingness to work for anything was non-existent. And when I didn’t deliver to make up for her difference or allow her to spent limitlessly? She’d punish me—manipulate, withhold intimacy, play mind games, use the kids against me, you name it. Everything was prime to be a double-standard and dealing with her was intolerable most of the time.

Things really hit the fan when our son was born with a condition that required surgery. Three months later, she kidnapped him and fled 1,600 miles away. I had to file for divorce and get an emergency order to bring him back. I knew if we had gotten divorced and she was able to have all that time alone with him, that she would without a doubt destroy the relationship between my son and I. Given that, I dissolved the divorce and stayed in the nightmare of a relationship which now included high tensions with her family given their involvement in the kidnapping.

That was just one of the many Narcissistic Cycles of Abuse I endured. The kidnapping was part of the “Discard” phase—she’d be nice for a bit, then get nastier, more abusive, and discard me again. The next cycle came a few years later, calmed down when she got pregnant with our daughter, and then exploded into full-blown hell when the abuse came back. This time, she really cranked it up—ignoring me for weeks, refusing to answer questions, gaslighting me into thinking I imagined things.

When I wanted to improve our home, our life—she shut it all down unless the idea came from her. Her ideas were all about houses that were at the top of my budget, far beyond what she could even dream of affording. After 15 years of full-time work, she was still making many times less than me, conveniently only enough to cover her own needs but contribute nothing significant to the overall marriage.

And it wasn’t just our finances. She constantly disrespected me in front of the kids, saying I was "nothing but a provider.", running around saying things like she can "just go get a divorce" and so on. I’m fully involved in my kids’ lives—there was no imbalance in who was handling household or child-related duties. But it wasn’t enough for her.

I confronted her, told her what she was doing to me, and she said "Your annoying me and I don't care". She literally could care less about how she was treating me and would rather get back to watching TV.

Then, I did what finally got her to run: I changed my paycheck’s direct deposit account. She didn’t see my income that she expected anymore, and within weeks, she filed for divorce. We didn’t build my career together; she made no sacrifices for me or my career, she just used me for my paycheck.

I was forced to pay alimony to this low-life, rewarding her for her own failures. Six figures worth of alimony. The only saving grace? My house had increased in value enough to cover it, so I didn’t have to feel the immediate impact, but my house profits took the hit. If not for that, I would’ve been stuck paying her thousands of dollars every month, just for being more successful and responsible. Imagine having to make a few thousand dollars a month, to hand over to some irresponsible low life, that you will never see or benefit from, for years to come, for no apparent reason. Is this worth the risk?

She wasn’t a wife or mother in any typical sense—there were no gender-based roles nor responsibilities in our marriage. I didn’t sign up for this or enjoy it. I was just holding on, hoping things might change. But the longer I waited, the worse it got.

Every abusive thing she did could be traced back to her messed-up childhood. She came with more baggage than an airport, and somehow, I was the one responsible for handling it. Her parents? Complete financial disasters. They spent all their money on booze and food, so she grew up with a warped sense of financial priorities. Thousands of dollars would disappear on groceries each month—food she’d hoard until it rotted away in the back of the fridge or hidden in some forgotten closet. It was like a perishable graveyard.

She was so terrified of ending up like her parents—losing their house due to financial irresponsibility—that she kept me hostage in the home we bought. Any time I wanted to move to something better, she shut it down. No matter how much our situation improved, I wasn’t “allowed” to escape the house she clung to like it was her lifeline. Meanwhile, she kept me tethered to her endless cycle of underachievement and excuses, all while I footed the bill. Her mother was a career failure, never able to hold down a job for more than a few months. When she did manage to find employment, she got caught doing things like stealing from a cash register. With role models like that, it’s no surprise my she turned out the way she did. The list can go on...

The moral of the story? Jump ship early. Don’t wait. It only gets worse. These people will never change and they only want to use you. Unless your the lower earner, don't expect any help from the court either, your now an ATM for the low life.

Expectations vs. Risk

Person A jokes around, saying Person B will lose their partner if they don’t get married soon. But instead of rushing into a legal process, Person B should really ask, “Why the hurry?” What is the requirement to get married? That’s worth questioning, especially when the risks are so high.

Then comes Person A’s family, chiming in with their usual comments: “You’re going to end up alone if you don’t settle down and get married!” But before jumping into a contract that could cost you everything, you should be asking what real tangible benefits there are to marriage—and making sure you are fully protected before signing anything. Are social expectations worth risking your assets, career, and sanity in a potential divorce?

Marriage has a huge social component, but here’s what nobody says.. No matter how romanticized it is, marriage is nothing more than a legal contract at its core and its seen as a "financially supportive" relationship by the courts. Even if you’re not explicitly aware of every fine print detail, you’ll be judged by that contract. Gender based roles and responsibilities will be assumed, and you will be left paying for things that never happened. If your the more successful one, everything you’ve worked for—emotionally and financially—will be stripped away and you will be "equalized" with the lower earner in the end. So, is the label “married” really worth the potential disaster?

You meet someone who has a decent degree, seems interested in advancing, they have a few quirks but hey you can't be left responsibile for another persons behavior, right?. Then the years go by… They stop upgrading their skills, fall behind in income, and maybe can’t even hold down a job anymore. And guess what? Now you’re stuck financially supporting them while there is literally no incentive for them to do better. The longer the higher earner stays in the situation regardless of the underlying why, haggled they will get and they will continuously be a target for financial theft. That is the reality.

So what even are the actual, tangible benefits of marriage to begin with? The benefits can be broken down as:

  • Employment: Family health insurance, family leave, bereavement leave.
  • Family: Joint adoption and foster care rights.
  • Government: Potential social security benefits, Medicare, disability, and VA benefits through your spouse.
  • Tax-Related: No gift tax between spouses, the ability to file joint taxes, and inheritance without being taxed.
  • Medical and Death: Hospital visiting rights, ability to make medical decisions for an incapacitated spouse, rights to handle burial and funeral arrangements.
  • Other Benefits: “Family” discounts on things like insurance, travel, etc.
  • Social Perks: The ability to share a last name, say you’re “married” with kids, and the social cred that apparently comes with it.

So, are these benefits really worth the risk of being destroyed financially? Are they so valuable that you’d risk losing everything you’ve worked for? Will you ever even use these "benefits", or potentially even care about them?

When you weigh the risk versus the reward, you’re not just risking some abstract notion of love. You’re risking everything—your hard-earned money, your mental well-being, your future—just to have a “good marriage.” And let's be honest, that’s a hefty gamble, especially when marriage is supposed to be about love, not assets, right?

Protecting Yourself

With the divorce rate skyrocketing and everything you’ve worked for at risk with just the check of a box (literally), it’s critical to protect yourself from the legal pitfalls of marriage and divorce. On this site, you’ll learn about the financial destruction that can occur during a marriage, especially if one spouse simply chooses not to work. Yes, even if your partner just wants to sit around watching TV, you will be held financially responsible for them and theres nothing you can do to make them work, but you will pay for them in the end. Before getting married, you need to take steps to safeguard your assets and future:

  • Prenuptial Agreements - This should be a default part of the marriage process, not some awkward afterthought. If you want to protect what’s yours, don’t skip this step.
  • Asset Protection Strategies - Put protections in place before marriage to shield your assets from potential legal claims in the future.
  • Divorce - Once circumstances change and inequality rears its head, divorce becomes your only hope to protect yourself moving forward. Don’t wait—act before it’s too late.

These aren't to be seen as good things... Why should you need to go through all these lengths to protect yourself or risk loosing everything you earned? It's simply best to just stay away from marriage and then there will be no need for divorce. In the end, from the list of tangible benefits of marriage, one needs to ask, what am I even doing and is it really worth it? Is the risk worth the reward, and what even is the reward?

Rather than focusing on relationships and agreements based on money, consider other legal agreements like cohabitation agreements, which provide legal protections where needed but do not bring the same financial disaster as marriage and divorce. Bad relationships are far easier to exit when you aren’t being threatened with things like alimony. Once you’re married, your financally tied to another person for years and years to come. Why get stuck in an old, antiquated system when you can stay out of it altogether and not worry? In all reality, the only spouse that has an easy exit is the lower earner as they will make out with more than they would bring in on their own. Given this, its no wonder why lower earners have no problem threatening things like divorce, becuase they truely have nothing to loose.

Unfortunately the hard truth is:

  • If you’re in it for the money—go with marriage. Marriage is seen as a “financially supportive relationship”, so you might as well admit your intentions rather than using another person.
  • If you’re in it for love—go with a cohabitation agreement where things like "alimony", "equitable distribition" and so on are not part of the arrangement.

Nobody wins in divorce, but there is no reason to screw somebody extra, simply because they chose to make more money. These types of horror stories will never stop until people are made responsible and accountable for themselves and their own actions rather than being legally allowed to leech of other hard working people.

Red Flags

Person A has no clue how to manage money, is constantly spending, and is drowning in debt. These habits aren't going anywhere.. So, Person B has a choice: either accept these financial disasters as the new normal or prepare for divorce court. But don't worry, under default law, Person A and Person B will split everything 50/50, as if Person A actually contributed equally financially. Apparently in the US court system, showing up counts as contributing, even if you’re just there for the ride.

Person A chooses a low paying job, or makes no attempt to upgrade to support the income for the lifestyle they want to live. Person B can't do anything to make person A get a better job or even work at all, Person B just needs to deal with it. Likely the better outcome here, which nobody talks about, is simply to get divorced. If you don't, you grow more and more financially responsible for the low life.

On a non-financial note, Person A is also sexually reserved or, let's just say, downright awkward. And guess what? That’s certainly not changing either. In fact, things will likely just keep getting worse. They trap you and then your stuck in a marriage that forbids seeking intimacy outside of it, and you've got to either suck it up or sign those divorce papers. Maybe they are even the sick type that uses sex against thier partners. Let’s face it: sex is about giving and pleasing, two things narcissists are either incapable of or make unbearably awkward.

Person A disagrees with any prenuptiual agreements and any personal protection financially, even more so when they are not an equal earner in the relationship. So, if you get divorced under the default rulings, congratulations—you’ll be downgraded to a 50% contributor to your own assets in "equitable distribution", even if Person A did absolutely nothing to earn it. That income dispartiy? Time for you to be forced to pay alimony. In this magical process, the lower earner gets to walk away “equalized,” while the higher earner watches their hard-earned assets vanish.

There are so many red flags to run away from but In the end, don't mistake any of these warning signs for things you should tolerate. Leaving a relationship, either before or after marriage, is a lot less painful than watching your assets and sanity drain away. Would you rather just lose the person, or lose the person and everything you’ve worked for?

Narcissists

We’re all raised to be nice, tolerant, and patient with others, especially if they’re a little “different.” That’s all well and good—until you’re signing a legal agreement with them that can wreck your financial life due to their actions. Marriage, after all, is a legally binding contract with serious consequences, especially when you’re not handed a rulebook before you sign. So, when you’re faced with someone who exhibits Narcissistic traits, consider it a massive red flag—don’t wave it off like some quirky personality difference.

Narcissists live in the “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse”—Idealize, Devalue, Discard. It’s as toxic as it sounds, and here’s what it looks like in real life:

  • They won’t give you direct answers, always leaving you hanging.
  • They’re disrespectful, leading you on with excuses, constantly delaying responses.
  • “Let me think about it…” they say, but spoiler: they’re never coming back with a real answer.
  • You ask weeks, months later, and they hit you with “Stop asking me.”
  • They gaslight you, ignore you, and make you feel like you’re the problem.
  • They never apologize. Accountability? That’s for other people.
  • They dole out punishments for even daring to question them.
  • Using sex as a weapon, withholding intimacy and then blaming you for the problem.
  • Giving you the silent treatment until you apologize to them just to get them talking again.
  • Confront them about, say, their underperforming job, and you’ll be "punished". They’ll never take responsibility, but you? You’ll be held responsible for everything that goes wrong in their life.
  • They’ll manipulate everything about your kids, from their lunches to homework, rifling through their backpacks just to keep control.
  • They’ll alienate you from your children, pushing their toxic behavior onto them. Kids see their parents as role models, and narcissists love exploiting that.
  • If you think their childhood issues are behind them, think again. If they grew up with financially abusive parents, they’ll grift and hoard until you’re suffocating under debt, hoarded possessions, or worse.
  • Want to move houses? If they don’t, good luck. You’ll be stuck where you are, unless you’re ready to file for divorce. Narcissists never compromise—it’s their way or no way at all.

It all moves fast with them. Moving in quick, things going great, and before you know it, you’re locked into years of abuse.

The Divorce Process

Attorney and Other Experts

You’ll need a competent attorney to handle your divorce, and for the higher earner, the value lies in their experience—specifically, how they can save you from paying more than you should. The lower earner has far more flexibility when choosing counsel, as they don’t have much to lose. They’ll be “equalized” by default anyway, so it’s less risky for them.

As the higher earner, you’ll likely want to hire experts, such as a forensic accountant, to dig through commingled accounts and fend off attempts to overreach into assets like RSUs. When financial discrepancies arise, an accountant’s expert opinion can save you from substantial losses.

Other services might include a psychologist (for child custody issues) or a vocational expert (for employment disputes). While these services cost money, every penny saved through careful legal defense will be worth it—because when your the more successful spouse, you’ll always be fighting an uphill battle with a leech.

Filing

The filing process is fairly straightforward, involving a few forms filled out by your attorney. But don’t expect much—it’s mostly a back-and-forth procedure with no meaningful outcomes. The language used in the petitions is dramatic: “Husband vs Wife,” as if you’re in a sparring match.

Here’s the basic rundown:

  • The petitioner (Person A) files.
  • The respondent (Person B) is served.
  • If you know the filing is coming, get your attorney to accept on your behalf to avoid the awkward serving process.
  • The respondent responds with a counter-petition.
  • The petitioner answers.
  • The petitioner submits a financial affidavit.
  • The respondent submits a financial affidavit.
  • Mediation is scheduled.

During this time, focus on preparing for your future—not on your soon-to-be-ex. You’ll be stuck in limbo from the moment you file until the divorce is finalized, and any new income you earn during this period will be used against you in court. Plan carefully for how you’ll navigate the next several months and what steps you’ll take once the final judgment is issued. Unfortunately, you’ll be forced to maintain your current income level, as any career change or improvement will just give the lower earner more ammunition to claim a larger share. The worst part? There’s absolutely no incentive for the lower earner to be responsible or prepare for their own future. Why would they? If they get a better job, they might end up with less free money from you. It’s a twisted system, and frankly, it’s sickening.

Bottom line: Don’t make any financial moves that improve your life or career until the divorce is finalized. Any improvement becomes fair game for the lower earner to pick apart. Take the time waiting for the final judgement to plan your life after the judgement is received. Even after the divorce is finalized, never allow the lower earner to know about or see things that would indicate more income, because if they do, its grift time.

Financial Affidavit

Part of the documentation process requires both parties to submit a “Financial Affidavit.” This involves submitting records from bank accounts, credit cards, and other financial accounts. You’ll also provide a breakdown of monthly expenses.

Here’s the catch:

  • Financial statements are required but are assumed to be incorrect and inflated from the start.
  • Even if you allocate every cent of your income, you’ll likely be forced to pay alimony anyway, rendering the affidavit more of a formality than anything.

For the higher earner, this process is painful. You can create the most accurate affidavit possible, but in the end, the lower earner’s “needs” will outweigh your financial reality. Watching the narcissist claim and take your assets and money, without being held accountable for themselves, is a sickening process.

The “Lower Earner” Bias/Assumptions

As the higher earner, prepare for the following:

  • You’ll be reduced to 50% of your assets.
  • You’ll pay shared child expenses at a higher pro-rata amount than the lower earner, who will get a discount.
  • You’ll pay alimony of up to 35% of your net income for up to 60% of the marriage, or worse—permanent alimony.
  • You’ll pay child support based on a calculation, but the lower earner won’t need to provide receipts or accountability for where the money goes.

The court assumes the lower earner “did something” in place of having equal employment. They aren’t expected to get a new job or improve themselves—even if they’ve been at the same low-paying job for 15 years. The burden of financial support will fall on you, regardless.

Mediation

Mediation is not the “neutral” process it’s made out to be. No documentation or evidence is required. The sole purpose of mediation is to ensure the lower earner gets 50% of the assets and an alimony award, regardless of their employment or contributions. The goal is to force the higher earner into making so called “agreements” that nobody in their right mind would do, or be threatened with trial. Here’s what to expect:

  • Mediation is long, tedious, and full of pressure to “get it done today.” It’s designed to make you quickly agree to vauge terms you’ll likely regret.
  • You’ll be told everything must be agreed upon to avoid a trial, but this is just a veiled threat: agree now, or face worse treatment in court.
  • Mediation isn’t about facts or fairness—it’s about “equalizing” things for the lower earner.
  • Your basically screwed here, the only way out is to reduce yourself to 50%.

Trial

If mediation fails, you will be forced to take the issues to trial. Unfortunately, for the higher earner, trial carries the risk of even harsher outcomes. The court’s primary goal is to ensure the lower earner is financially supported. You’ll be told things like, “The judge doesn’t want to hear that” or “The judge doesn’t have time for this and that.”, “You let this all happen”, etc. Very quickly you’ll begin to wonder what you did to deserve this.

As the higher earner, common sense must be thrown out the window. Before going to trial, ask yourself, “How much worse will this get?”, “How much more do I have to pay?”.

Final Agreement

The final agreement is the document that outlines the division of assets and everything else you were forced to “agree upon”. This is your last chance to document any remaining matters before the divorce is finalized.

Be cautious about how things are phrased. For example, in my "agreement," it states that any expenses incurred from the house sale must be reimbursed within 10 days unless the other party can't or refuses to pay. We know the other party has the funds, as significant amounts of money were recently distributed to the narcissist. However, in this case, the narcissist is choosing not to reimburse me until the house sells, hiding behind the clause of “refusing to pay.”. Now I get to float the bill yet again...

Not only did I have to float the bill for the house repairs, also the property tax bill. If the property tax bill wasn't paid, a public record and lien was going to be placed on the house. The narcisst would not budge in paying its share of the taxes on time, it literally dumped it on me again. This is an example of how the narcisst is willing to take a public record in their own name, just so they don't give in to paying the person they are abusing. Pretty classy behavior.

Post-Divorce Threats

Expect on-going money grabs by the lower earner. Some you can avoid, others you can't.

Alimony - The lower earner may come back for more of your money, even after divorce, if their situation changes. The only way to protect yourself from this is by paying the ransom as a "lump sum" and then becomes unmodifiable. Obviously depending on the amount, this may be hard to obtain, but it will save you from the threats of monthly payments and more potential grifts for many years to come.

Child Support - This is non-negotiable, with a defined calculation. However, there’s always the threat of additional grifting until the children reach adulthood. The court wants you both to look to be financially equal to the kids, even tho your actually floating the narcisst. Don't expect any credit either, this is all to make the lower earner look responsible. You need to be careful of what you spend around the kids that she can see, otherwise she can come looking for more free money. The possibilities to continue using you for your money rather than being self responsible are unlimited.

Do not get "Child Support" and "supporting your children" mixed up -- "Child Support" is literally supporting another adult who is too incapable of supporting themselves, getting a decent job and being a role model for their kids.

Rather than just making the lower earner accountable for their own financial situation even after divorce, you will just continue to be their ATM. Prepare yourself for on-going money grabs. That's what you get for being successful.

The Agreements You Will Be Forced To Make

Equitable Distribution

Equitable distribution sounds fair, right? Only if both spouses contribute equally. Otherwise, the higher earner is forced by the court to hand over their hard-earned contributions to the lower earner. Here’s how it works:

  • If the lower earner verifiably contributed, say, 23%, they still get 50%.
  • If the higher earner contributed 77%, they’re reduced to—you guessed it—50%.
  • Want an unequal distribution? Good luck. It requires a judge’s approval and only under extenuating circumstances.
  • And don’t forget legal fees—they can eat away the entire value of what you’re fighting over, leaving you worse off than when you started.
  • In the end, unless the issue at hand is worth a fortune, it’s rarely worth it to battle in court. The system is designed to disadvantage the higher earner.

Alimony

The sickest part of all. Alimony is as simple as checking a box claiming "income disparity". The lower earner just needs to show there’s a difference in income, and suddenly, they’re entitled to ongoing free money—no real accountability needed. Here’s how gross it is:

  • There’s no defined calculation. It’s all based on the lower earner’s “needs” and the court’s whimsical view of things.
  • The lower earner doesn’t have to justify why they aren’t earning more—whether they choose not to work or decide on a low-paying job is entirely their call.
  • If one spouse chooses simply not to work, even without raising kids, the higher earner will still be forced to support them financially after divorce.
  • In the end, if there’s any disparity in income, the higher earner will always be responsible for supporting the lower earner, regardless of the circumstances.

To protect yourself, divorce must be filed the minute a disparity arises, or the risk of ongoing financial punishment only increases. Alimony payments come out of the higher earner’s post-divorce funds, meaning the financial drain continues long after the marriage ends. While the lower earner gets to enjoy their “divorced life,” the higher earner is stuck funneling up to 35% of their income to an ex-spouse for years or decades to come, with nothing of value in return.

  • The financial affidavit? That’s just to see how much you can realistically afford to give away. The lower earner’s claimed expenses? Barely validated, mostly estimates—and their “needs” come first, always.
  • In media, you’ll hear things like, “I put up with so-and-so for so long,” but don’t be fooled—that’s not something to aspire to. Stick around, and you’ll be punished for it. This only works for the lower earner as they don't have anything to loose by sticking around beyond receiving more free money.
  • The lower earner can come back for more grifting after the marriage has ended, using any change in circumstance as a way to demand more money. This “after marriage grifting” keeps the higher earner stuck in financial purgatory.
  • Judges have complete discretion over alimony—there are no hard rules, so it’s all up to the judge’s mood that day if you get screwed into going to trial.
  • Got laid off? You can ask to “abate” your alimony payments, but the decision will hang over your head for months and you don't think you won't have to pay retroactively? Once that money comes flowing, it comes flowing to the lower earner too.
  • Got vested or even unvested RSUs? Those future earnings you worked for? Yeah, they’ll be split with the lower earner who contributed absolutely nothing.
  • Oh that 401k of yours? Get ready to loose there too, because a QDRO will get filed to steal from your 401k to give to the lower earner, whether you like it or not.
  • Everything and anything you have will be up for grabs by the lower earner in the end.

All of this financial pain just so the lower earner doesn't need to be responsible for themselves or accountable for their actions.

Child Support

Supporting your children and Child Support are two very, very different things. Supporting your children does not mean giving the “lower earner” free money that is supposed to be used on the kids. The “lower earner” needs to step up, be a good parent, and get a job that supports their lifestyle, not extract it from the responsible person.

Child support has a predefined calculation, but here’s where things get ugly:

  • Even if the lower earner has a job, the higher earner is still forced to pay child support and contribute regularly to child expenses at a higher share due to the lower earners "pro rata" amount.
  • The lower earner doesn’t have to show where the money goes, leaving plenty of room for abuse.
  • Just like with alimony, the higher earner has no real options—they’re forced to pay, regardless of circumstances.
  • Things are setup to benefit the lower so much that the higher earner will likely be required to take out life insurance to ensure the lower earner continues receiving child support payments, even if the higher earner dies.

In the end, the only way for the higher earner to protect themselves is to file for divorce as soon as a disparity in income appears. Staying “for the kids” or waiting until they’re old enough to choose only adds more years of alimony payments. The system doesn’t care about your sacrifices—it only cares about maintaining the financial status quo for the lower earner, at your expense.

You Own Nothing

When you get married under the default ruling, you’re not just sharing your life—you’re sharing everything you earn or bring into the marriage. Every asset, every dollar, everything you’ve worked for suddenly becomes “ours,” even though you may have been the one pulling in 100% of it. So, let’s be clear: you’re not just developing and maintaining things for yourself anymore, you’re doing it for the both of you. And if your spouse isn’t matching contributions, you’re setting yourself up to give away 50% of what you physically worked for. Think about that.

If your spouse isn’t carrying their weight, you’d better consider divorce—because the longer this imbalance lasts, the more they’ll be entitled to. The courts won’t care how much effort you put in when the time comes to split everything, it's all about that lower earner.

And when it’s a “No Fault” divorce, guess what? Nobody cares about fault. It doesn’t matter if one party was abusive, lazy, or just along for the ride—none of that will change the outcome. The higher earner, the one who did the work, will be punished by the system, forced to support the lower earner no matter what actions led to the divorce.

Wedding vows? Those have no legal standing. They’re nice for the ceremony, sure, but they mean nothing once divorce paperwork hits the table. Forget “for better or worse”—all that matters is checking a box and submitting the paperwork. No reason required, no fault considered. Just fill out the forms, and suddenly the lower earner has a claim to your money.

You could document every wrong done to you during the marriage, but it won’t matter. It’s “No Fault”, after all. That means no accountability, no responsibility. All that matters is the lower earner’s “needs.” And the higher earner? Well, they’re left holding the bag, watching their hard work get split in half.

“No Fault” = No Accountability. No Responsibility.

Factors That Will Be Used Against You

Length of Marriage

The length of your marriage plays a big role in determining how long you’ll be financially supporting the lower earner after divorce. The court sees it as a way to calculate how many years you, the higher earner, will be forced to pay alimony. But instead of recognizing that the marriage might have been 10, 15, or 20 years of ongoing abuse or laziness, the court only cares about one thing: how much more money the lower earner should get.

Forget those TV shows where people “put up” with bad behavior—here, you’ll be punished for tolerating it financially. The court will tell you that you allowed it to happen, so now you’ll pay for it. Literally.

  • Short-Term Marriage: Alimony generally isn’t awarded, but don’t relax yet—nothing’s guaranteed until it’s over.
  • Medium-Term Marriage: Alimony becomes available in various forms—Bridge the Gap, Rehabilitative, Durational, and Permanent. Each one digs deeper into the higher earner’s pockets, without requiring the lower earner to be accountable for their financial choices.
  • Long-Term Marriage: This is where “permanent alimony” becomes a serious risk. You could be paying the lower earner well into your retirement years, impacting your future plans just to support their lifestyle. This risk is real—you’ll be financially tethered to this person for the rest of your working life.

Unequal Financial Contributions

Marriage allows each spouse the freedom to choose whether they work and what kind of job they take. But when one spouse deliberately chooses to be the “lower earner,” the financial burden falls squarely on the higher earner.

  • As the higher earner, you can’t force the lower earner to get a job, earn more, or even try. But when divorce rolls around, you’ll be financially responsible for them—no questions asked.
  • Your only option, once unequal contributions arise, is to file for divorce immediately. Time is not on your side. The longer the marriage, the bigger the financial disparity, and the more you’ll be forced to give away.
  • Serious consideration must be made when entering a relationship with a person who makes considerably less than you, as dispartity is there from the start. By getting married to someone who makes less from the start, your basically accepting responsibility for their lack of income.

Comingling of Funds

When spouses combine their incomes into a joint account, this is called “comingling funds.” It sounds convenient, but it gives the other spouse access to everything—including your hard-earned “excess.” To avoid this, here’s what you should do:

  • Establish separate bank accounts for your income and personal spending.
  • Split expenses evenly—say 50/50—and only transfer that specific amount into the joint account, otherwise you will implicitly be bound to "pro-rata" without you even knowing about this concept.
  • Keep your “excess” separate, and think about where you store your assets. Anything electronically tracked can be traced back to you. Your only real hope here is to spend the money as it comes in, oherwise it becomes available to the lower earner.

Comingling promotes the use of “pro rata” calculations in divorce, meaning those bills you paid "together" weren't actually split 50/50, you implicitly each were paying your "pro-rata" share and will continue to do so according to the court. To try and avoid this, take every action to ensure you’re only paying/transferring enough money to a shared account that would represent a 50% split. This may not be a sure shot to success here but may at least give you something to stand on when it comes to the "pro-rata" assumption.

Job-Related Considerations

Sure, the job you work at is technically yours, but everything you financially gain from it belongs 50% to the marriage, according to the court. Here’s how that plays out:

  • Bonuses: If you work hard all year for a bonus, Person B (your spouse) is entitled to 50% of that money if it’s earned during the marriage.
  • RSUs: Vested and unvested Restricted Stock Units (RSUs) are fair game too. Even if they don’t vest for years, the court will let Person B claim value down the road, just because the grant happened during marital time.
  • Income Increases: Every time you excel, earn a raise, or work for more, Person B is entitled to take value from it. Even if your career skyrockets, they can extract from it.
  • Spikes in Income: Be careful with big pay spikes, even if they’re in the past. Courts will use these to claim you’re “capable of paying more,” even if your financial situation has changed.
  • Buying or Selling Real Estate: Want to buy or sell property? You’ll need your spouse’s permission. If they refuse, you’re stuck. Best bet? Divorce immediately.
  • Cashing out your retirement plans: Planning to cash out retirement funds you worked for? In some cases, you’ll need your spouse’s approval. If they don’t agree, and you do it anyway, it’ll be used against you in court. Even if they do agree, guess what? You will get it deducted from your equitable distribution share depending on what it was used for. I cashed out a pre-marital IRA floating around that I had with only about 20k to start a business. I had to discuss this with my spouse, she didn't object but apparently I needed to get that in writing because in the end, I got 20k less in equitable distribution for this.

In summary, everything you’ve worked for during and even prior the marriage becomes a potential target. The courts will often side with the lower earner, no matter how much effort you put into building your career and assets. Your job benefits, income, bonuses, and even future gains become part of the marriage’s financial pot. Protect yourself before you lose more than just a spouse—you might lose your financial future.

The First Motion

When I finally realized what she was doing to me and that it was termed "Narcissim", I did a lot of research to confirm what I was experiencing. Most things indicated that narcissists love throwing random motions at the court to keep their drama going, so I braced for the worst. During the divorce, no surprise filings—thought I was in the clear.

Fast forward to today, October 2024: she filed a motion. Not totally unexpected, but the best part? I never even agreed to any of these expenses shes claiming and even stated this may times in writing. The summer camp issue goes all the way back to mediation as well, where my plans were very clear.

Issue 1: Summer Camp

In the parenting "agreement" it was stated that if the kids went to camp, it would be the 2023 one, and future years would require agreement. Fast forward to 2024: she registered the kids for a 12 week-long summer camp despite my refusal, because the kids didn’t even want to go. They were calling me last year crying to pick them up early.. I made it clear: find camp options that you need for your own time. On my days, the kids will be at home doing the summer things they would like. But of course, the narcissist decided to register them anyway, sent me the bill, and now throwing a tantrum because I refused to pay. Every single week, she would send me a bill for the summer camp I did not agree to. Every week, I would reply stating I did not agree to this. Apparently, "no" means "yes" in her world.

Issue 2: Kids Activities

She’s supposed to get an agreement, an actual buy-in, from myself for expenses she would like money for. But, like clockwork, she registered the kids for a tournament without getting an agreement, then tried to bill me afterward. Naturally, I said no—again.

Now, here we are with her motion. Beyond not paying her for expenses I did not agree to, there is more:

  • In my research on these people, it was commonly said to document the narcissts behavior so nobody could come back and say you let things happen, theres no history of an issue, etc. That's exactly what I did. Every lie or scam she tries to pull, I call her out on it, in writing. Anything I say is a reaction to her abusive behavior that she inflicts on me. She turns these truths into “disparaging and demeaning comments.” rather than being accountable and responsible for her own actions. The reality is... If you don’t like the truth, stop inflicting these behaviors on others.
  • Her attorney is asking for me to take a “high conflict parenting course” because apparently, exposing her lies is a crime. Why do I have to say these things to begin with? Again, no need for self responsiblity or accountability, just blame-shifting.
  • She’s demanding sole parenting authority until I “prove” I’ve completed the course. Giving the narcisst sole parenting authority over children is likely the worst thing one can do. But hey, sounds like a good punishment for telling the narcisst no.
  • She wants me to pay her attorney fees for expenses I didn’t agree to—because, of course, my success is somehow her free ticket. Clearly no concern of risk for the lower earner when they can just make somebody else pay for their issues. I never even agreed to these expenses to begin with.

And more... Her motion includes demands that go way beyond the divorce—attempting to control my employment. Yes, this abuser wants me to notify her within 48 hours if I change jobs, garnish my paycheck, and even force me to obtain employment if I lose my job. Imagine, years after the divorce, still being financially leashed to someone who abused you over your job. That’s a whole new level of disgusting...

And even more... There are also requests for garnishments, seizing assets, garnishing income taxes, suspending my license, fining me, and—of course—threatening incarceration if I don’t comply with her ridiculous demands. All this because I dared to say no to her nonsense.

Will I be forced to pay for things I never agreed to? Will the court continue to entertain her endless grifts? What is going to happen this summer when I say No again? Time will tell, but I don't have high hopes for myself.

Final Words

I didn’t do anything to deserve this kind of abusive behavior, nor did I ask for it. What happened to me can happen to anyone, and trust me—it’s just not worth the gamble. No matter what precautions you think you’re taking, the best way to protect yourself? Just say no to marriage. Is it really worth all this just to say you’re "married"? Is it worth entering a legal agreement that the courts view as nothing more than a financial support contract, where the higher earner is punished for the lower earner’s failures—and then expected to keep paying for the privilege after?

Relationships aren’t the problem here; it’s the legal trap called marriage. An outdated, biased system designed to financially drain the responsible partner. If there’s one thing I want people to take away from this site—especially if you haven’t gotten married yet—it’s that marriage is just a "financially supportive agreement." Unless you want money to play a starring role in your love life, steer clear of marriage.

For the time being and those already affected by these kinds of people, we can only stand together and try to fight for change.

Change Needed: A Call for Fairness in Divorce and Child Support

Divorce and child support laws are deeply flawed, often leading to unfair financial burdens on the higher earner. Gender bias must stop, and we simply cannot screw people over on "assumptions" that could never be substantiated. The legal system’s default assumptions don’t account for the complexities of modern relationships, creating an environment where financial and mental abuse can thrive. The result is that one partner—often the higher earner—ends up being forced to provide long-term financial support to someone who may have contributed little, if anything, to the marriage. Mental and financial abuse must be given the same priority and weight as physical abuse. People who will actually use another person rather than being responsible for themselves know this and they take full advantage of the system.

The Problem: Income Shouldn't Equal Entitlement

The assumption that the lower-earning spouse is automatically entitled to the higher earner’s money, regardless of their actual contributions, is fundamentally unjust. This entitlement mentality opens the door to financial exploitation. Divorce settlements are too often based on income disparities rather than a fair assessment of what each person brought to the marriage. If someone chooses to pursue a different career path or contribute less to the household income, that is their personal choice—but it shouldn’t entitle them to a lifetime of financial support.

The Assumption: Not Every Relationship Follows the Same Dynamic

While there are relationships where one partner works while the other takes on domestic duties, this is not the case for every relationship. The current system assumes that one person was dependent on the other, regardless of whether that dynamic existed. It’s even more outrageous when both partners held full-time jobs during the marriage, yet the higher earner is still required to pay financial support. Unless a spouse can prove their job was a home-maker, they should be automatically disqualified from receiving financial support right off the bat. It is an absolute disgrace to give the same support to someone with a failed career as someone who stayed home to raise kids and run a household. The system needs to recognize the diversity of modern relationships instead of imposing outdated assumptions.

A Fair Solution: Contribution-Based Settlements

Divorce settlements should be based on each individual’s actual contributions—not on arbitrary income balancing. Given the courts existing process of determining "pro-rata", we already know the financial contribution as this is calculated and used against the higher earner for "shared expenses". We also have so much technology and regulation today around finances that an even deeper dive is very simple, if modern day technology is actually used rather than assumptions. Both partners should be encouraged to achieve financial independence, and if support is necessary, it should be temporary (as in weeks or months, not years or a lifetime) and focused on facilitating that independence, not subsidizing a lifestyle. The default position should not be alimony unless it's proven absolutely necessary in for example the case of the lower earning spouse trading a career for family duties.

Child Support: A Broken System in Need of Reform

Child support is another area ripe for abuse. In its current form it leaves the higher earner obligated to give money to a lower-earning partner, simply because they make more. This system assumes the higher earner must shoulder the financial burden while the lower earner is free to remain inactive. This is not “supporting your children”—it’s supporting the other parent’s unwillingness to earn. There is absolutely no incentive for the lower earner to improve their own situation, depending on you, the higher earner, is actually encouraged. These types of behaviors will never stop if we keep allowing them to continue.

A Fair Solution: Individual Accountability for Both Parents

Supporting your children and "child support" are two very different things. Both parties should be expected to contribute toward the well-being of the child, not the needs and lifestyle of the other parent. Parents need to be financially responsible and that means leveling up their career and being held accountable for that if needed, not dumping the responsiblity on someone else. If you cannot hold down a job to support your children, then you should not have timesharing with them. Making a clear and obvious change such as this would make the irresponsible change their attitude real quick, if they even care about their kids to begin with.

There are so many wrong doings in this process and if nobody stands up.. Nothing will change..

Contact

Have you been blindsided by a narcissist? Left responsible for an abuser’s failures? You're not alone. Every day, people like you get screwed over, left holding the bag for someone else’s mess.

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